What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 06:02
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But it wasn’t much.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Put me off passion for life!!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Is it okay or problematic to be both Black and gay in society in the 21st century?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was 9 years of age.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Are people who cite the 2nd Amendment honestly familiar with what it establishes?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She wouldn,t have been !
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As i do to all so called friends.?
How do I get over a long-term relationship breakup?
I will be 64.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why do many women wear sleeveless shirts, more so than men?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Why can’t the British eat or drink anything unless they place a table cloth on the table first?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was seconnd youngest,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Who has experienced what they called a happy accident (bestiality)?
He knew the spot.
So, i spoilt her more .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Can I use the LEG PRESS to build muscle?
All the time i was locked up.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Are you happy that soon we will never hear from Kamala Jones again?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Why did i forgive my father ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was very sick at this time too.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Ive learnt so much.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
It was going to be , some day.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I never cut or harmed myself..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She found it foreign!.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My family never makes their pension either.
Im still living with it.
My life is so biszare .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was scared of men, in general
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We were not on the streets..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I write beautiful poetry .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She married twice! .
But ive been too sick for many years..
Was to survive, this bastard.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And i lived it daily.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
This is soul school!.
What did i know ?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Would this be the day?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But, we were locked up after school.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She was in good health!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She loved him until the end.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I don,t even have a pension.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Comes on , in middle age.
I think the readers, may guess!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Who then, do I blame.?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I waited trembling.
I have no regrets .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
When she asked me how she looked .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One cannot live in the past .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
(And it was in our own minds.)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
So whats the point in blame.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We all went to grammer schools
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I said to her
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.